Top 10 benefits of Muharram

Published on 4 Nov 2014 on category Religion for zone Rest of India

In this sarcastic listicle Nazia Murtad lists down top 10 benefits of Muharram. From Islamic Holi with blood to legalization of child abuse, he takes on the violent practices in a sarcastic way.

Nazia sarcastically takes on the violence in Muharram. Nazia sarcastically takes on the violence in Muharram.

As our secular intellectuals have been tired of their constant lecture on absurdity of the religious practices like Diwali, Holi, Bhaiduj etc, or suddenly had a Ghajini effect, a short time memory loss, I have taken this herculean task to make a commentary on Muharram, a day of mourning for a sad incident that happened more than a thousand year ago, but whose essence doesn’t look absurd to the people from media to politicians who don’t understand the meaning of Diwali. But since the Muslim community is not something that can embrace some criticism, so I decided to throw light on some positive benefits of Muharram. Happy Muharram, oops sorry, sad Muharram to all! Anyways, so here goes the top 10 benefits of Muharram.

1. Be secular, play Holi within Islamic domain.

Though the secularism is a readily available certificate for the Muslim community which doesn’t have to fulfill any criteria for that, still for those who question the secularism of Muslims, there is a need to do some showoff. India’s vice-president Hamid Ansari’s rejection to do Aarti or any not allowing Tilak in any Muslim leader’s forehead will not stop Hindu leaders from all parties (except Narendra Modi) from wearing the “Secularism Ki Topi”, the secular brand skull cap. But then some will still question and if some Muslim leaders try to do the reverse, then there is the risk of being labeled as an impure Muslim, like Vastanavi or others. In that case, I can suggest a simple way dodge both hurdles and look like a secularist. Just play the Yaum-e-Ashura or Muharram and then bleed yourself as far as you can and then you can pretend to your Hindu friends that you played a Holi, Khoon ki Holi and thus your secularism will be certified, and that too without violating the Islamic regulations against secularism.

2. Abuse your child, skip the law.

Child abuse is a reality among the Muslim families regardless how much Mr. Amir Khan suppresses or avoids taking up this in his show Satyamev Jayate. But still, when the news of such abuses comes up, an embarrassment becomes imminent. Though Indian law easily appeases the “poor” minorities, embarrassment happening in front of non-Muslim friends still looks worse. In that case, there is an idea to abuse your child and skip the law and criticism. Wait for Muharram, take a knife and bleed the forehead of your child as much as you can and guess what, Allah will be so pleased to see your devotion.

3. Take a colorful selfie.

Asad Ali will betray his religion, being a Shia in himself he will not tell how beautiful the Shia men and women look in their colorful outfit, natural look. Asad Ali will rather feed the techniques to Hindu women celebrating Navratri, will ask them to take selfie and post on Facebook. Forget Asad Ali, I assure you, you guys look what you actually are, in this time. Take a selfie and then cherish your natural look for all, and not forget to set one as a display picture in your Facebook profile, let your online friends admire your natural beauty.

4. Natural color better than artificial color.

As I said in my above point, you can play Holi within Islamic domain but then too, you have another advantage over Holi. The Holi is a festival of color, in which artificial colors are used and sometimes they cause minimal damage to the skin. But in the case of Muharram, it’s your natural blood which doesn’t cause any damage to the skin. When the hell did Hemoglobin become the enemy of the skin? Isn’t it really a benefit?

5. If you are a murderer, take shelter in a Muharram rally.

As Dr. Zakir Naik says that Islam is a universal religion (leave the bipolarity of the Islamic world centered between Mecca and Tehran), so is this festival Muharram. So what if Sunnis ridicule this mourn, there are cases when non-Muslims have joined Muharram rally. In various cases, murderers with blood strain in their hands and clothes, fleeing from police have entered and joined the rally and the police were out of clue which one is the murderer and which are the suicidal guys! So, if you are in such a position, just thank Allah and join the possession.

6. Contact world record agencies, say you survived stoning.

Muslim girls have an advantage over this. Just bleed yourself, especially above the waist, and then in the forehead and when it’s over, contact the world record agencies. Drive to the, do Viber, Skype whatever, but never forget to tell them that you are a Muslim girl and just survived stoning. And then add the number of stones and stone pelters as you think sounds cool. You don’t need to sound logical; none is going to refute you, who wants to be beheaded! Just remember that there are other girls out. If the juries are unable to decide which girl to choose, ask for a community award for entire Muslim feminine world. And then claim your power to beef, no worries Muslim boys have already made absurd stories on beef power that allegedly give them some special power that make them so strong physically that they register complete absence in the wrestling, boxing, fighting, weight lifting etc games where physical power is only criteria.

7. Threaten your enemies without fearing enforcements.

So you have an enemy whom you want to threat and bully but fear the law enforcement? You want a safe way to show him your ruthlessness without getting the law enforcement in between? Here is an easy way. Just turn the possession and lead it through his lane, and when he comes at the balcony to see the possession, beat your chest more violently and make gestures, your message will be automatically forwarded. This is called catching the fish without touching the water.

8. Release your frustration.

Your boss is bullying you? Then you have the above way. Still not satisfied? Punching pad is there. Still, lack of satisfaction? Don’t worry dude. Use your body, self-torture is the best way to release frustration. Do it now. Bleed yourself and you will find so much piece of mind. Or in case you have been bored and feel handcuffed with the Islamic morals on how to beat your wife, I mean the limitation on how much to beat- like beat her up her legs are not broken, and you feel that your morals are stopping you from bleeding her despite beating cruelly, somewhat like the “Kambal-Pitai” (blanket-beating of Indian police in which you torture without leaving any signs of torture, then this is an awesome day for you. Bleed your wife as much as you can and release your violence

9. Again contact world record for long memory.

See the Muharram can win you double awards. The former award was for survival and endurance, this one is for long memory. Yes, the award for longest memory goes to entire Shia community, thunder claps for them (no offense to Sunnis). Muharram is the mourning for the ancestors of the Shia belief, who were brutally killed by Sunnis, the main reason why Sunnis ridicule Muharram. So file a world record that Shia community is the one which holds a memory of the brutal killing of the ancestors since 14 centuries. But then there is a risk, the Sunnis too might file similar record, if you mourn, they also ridicule it, so it means they to remember this incident since the same timeline.

10. Lodge FIR against your enemies.

Have you ever tried to file a FIR against a threat case or a murder attempt and then got rejected by the police due to lack of substantial proofs? Then no worry, this is the perfect time you can get your enemies behind the bar. When Muharram celebration, oops mourning, is over, then you reach the police station and then file a case of the murder attempt. The police will automatically believe your claims looking at the amount of blood in you. The treatment cost that will be compensated is just an added benefit, bigger is your wrath that is supposed to fall on your enemy. And now if you liked my ideas, just thank me and wish me a happy, oops, sorry Ashura. And if you didn’t like this, then just reread and keep on rereading until you admire the advantages I focused upon. And don't commit the sin of leaving without leaving any comment.

Written By
Nazia Murtad
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Fist Published On: 4 Nov 2014

Last Updated On:

Reading Timelength: 8 Minutes

Type of Post: Listicle

Category: Religion

Zone: Rest of India

Primary Topic: #Islam

Tags: ashura, bloodshed in muharram, comedy on muharram, islamic festival, muharram, muharram festival, mu

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